yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's never too late to be topless.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
