hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
