i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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