We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
