Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
