I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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