Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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