My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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