I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
