Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
