she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
