I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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