I looked at my own cervix.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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