I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
