After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
