Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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