a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
