Where did you get a picture of my penis
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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