i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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