I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
