The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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