They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Is it because I queefed?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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