It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
