He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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