And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
