oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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