he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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