yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
