He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
