I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize