she sounds like chewbacca in bed
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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