I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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