Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
