Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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