Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
