Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
