1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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