he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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