My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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