Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
