And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Boobs are out for the taking
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize