I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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