Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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