my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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