My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
