He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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