so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
