I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
