Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize