Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
