I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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