life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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