how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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