evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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