Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize