He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
