do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
