was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
