I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
