I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
