Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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