Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I have already put on my inside pants.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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