How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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