My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
