I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
