every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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